Thus far, all literary criticism has focused on the impression created by many letters juxtaposing each other, such as in books or on wordtrucks. In pursuing this obsession, we have come to lack a fundamental theory of written art. See, no commentator has been brave enough to review the individual characters that make up that writing. Until today. In a radical act of critical enlightenment, I will sort the beef from the chaff, and present, from stinking to supreme, every known letter.
F
From its stale mouthfeel to its unsightly appendages, it’s a wonder that F was ever allowed into the alphabet, especially when you realise that you can achieve the same noise with a simple “ph”. If they applied the death penalty for letters, F would be a strong contender every year.
K
There’s a good reason that some letters score so high in Scrabble. It’s because writers won’t use them, rightfully recognising that they’re devoid of aesthetic worth. I am frankly embarrassed to be seen with K and would not associate with it outside of a work context.
G
Talk about overdesigned. The G goes for the rigid lines of the W and the sweeping curves of the C, and ends up with advantages of neither. Clunky and imposing, the G wishes it had it all. Good luck with that.
L
Absolutely disgusting. Moving on.
I
Every time I read one of these skinny little pillars, I feel as though I’ve been somehow scammed. There’s no meat on these bones, and to make matters worse, in many fonts, the I and 1 look identical. I is content to do the bare minimum, and we’re left to pick up the pieces.
P
The uneasy topheavy balance of P belies a troubled development history. Sure, using P looks like a good idea now, but in practice, it releases a chimpanzee of complications. An awkward fit for one too many words, P is a cautionary tale for anyone looking to make a letter of their own.
T
Do you feel anything when you took at T? Because I don’t. A fine novelty to amuse kids, T, unfortunately, fails the sniff test. Its shape emphasises what it’s not more than what it is. Do not “have a cup of T”.
E
A good thing ruined by overuse. We all enjoy a good E now and then, but we now live in an E-saturated culture where you cannot move for the letter. E-mail, E-dinburgh, and E-dog are just some of the words that have squeezed this functional character to its absolute limits.
Y
Many of you will remember Y from your childhoods when you had to find a word to start with each letter and wracked your brain for some obscure object you’d never otherwise reference, like a yacht or yak. But don’t let that fool you. Move over to the end of words, and you’ll see Y often gets its due. And Y not? Look at that balance of symmetry against asymmetry and the dual arms reaching up for the sky. You could do worse than Y.
V
I don’t know if I’m meant to use V to fill out my sentences or pierce open my beer. One wrong move with one of these blighters, and it’ll take your finger right off. That’s right, V’s got edge, as shown by its inclusion in such cutting classic words as vengeance, volcano, and veruca. V can be your best friend or your worst enemy.
Z
Z is a weird one. A refracted S? A corrupted N? It is somehow both and neither. It is also, for whatever reason, the thing people say when they’re sleeping. You may not think about Z much, but when you need it, you’ll be glad you have it.
D
Doing a frontflip over my handlebars and slamming the steel tips of my shoes right into some poor schmuck’s cranium.
X
The secret agent of letters. X has a mission and the tools it needs to complete it. X is not for use by the faint of heart, but for those with a taste for danger, X can really shake up a word. Think express, think extreme, think X.
W
What could be better than V? Double V, of course. Its pointy properties are unfortunately downplayed by it incorrectly being called Double U rather than Double V. But hey, I wouldn’t say no to a double U either.
C
What tragedy is this? Has someone broken our O? No, look closer. By taking a cheeky slice out of the alphabet’s third letter, we have created a warm, embracing chamber. Spacious and discreet, C is a perfect place to take an afternoon nap or store belongings and leftovers.
J
Let me show you a little trick: You can take your dull, languid I, put the J right next to it, and it’ll slip right under that idiot in a beautiful display of kerning. This cuddly little fella could brighten anyone’s day. We could all learn a little something from J.
U
U is so much more than a rotated C. The picture of sleekness, U is nature’s halfpipe. You and I both know how easy it is to lose whole afternoons, imagining a little skater dude sliding up and down those walls with carefree abandon. Let us hope for everyone’s sake, he never gets out.
S
S’s long, winding curves give us a whole universe to explore, a meandering river that rolls on for miles. I could get lost in S for days. However, a word of caution: S is not for beginners. Flip one of these upside down even once, and you’ll struggle to tell whether it’s ever the right way up again.
M
Is it boastful for M to take up the width it does? Sure. Does it justify that use of space? Absolutely. Made up of four separate lines, M is one of the richer letters but doesn’t go overboard in combining concepts (I’m looking at you again, G). By tapering to a point in the centre, M grounds what could otherwise be a messy, bulky affair.
R
A good example of how, with a little modification, an underwhelming letter can be made into something special. Take the imbalanced P, add a second leg to stabilise it, and all of a sudden, it becomes organic and reliable. I’m sure you can think of a few letters that could benefit from the R treatment.
N
Smart and snappy, N turns heads whenever it appears on a page. More of a statement piece than anything else, N nonetheless screams fashionable as it transforms the space it sits in with its daring slanted crossbar and its resolute outer lines.
O
I must be dreaming right now because nothing in the waking world could look as good as O. No cracks, no skews; it is architecturally perfect. O regrettably lacks depth in and of itself. Still, if it’s meaning you’re looking for, perhaps you’ll be smitten with its connection to the monist belief in perfect oneness.
B
It’s plump, it’s weighty, and it exudes erotic energy. It’s B. While B is enjoying somewhat of a modern renaissance, its popularity can be tracked right back to the medieval era when a whole school of risque humour celebrated our ass-shaped friend.
H
Stand strong, stand tall, stand like H: the Atlas of the world of letters. What it lacks in utility, it makes up for in stature. It would take a gale-force wind to knock down this titan.
Q
What character, what liveliness, and just look at that cute little tail. Q begs the question, “How could you hate a letter that looks this lovely?”. Q doesn’t need to change a thing.
A
What can I say? This is top dog. Numero uno. Big daddy piss. When you need quality writing, you come to A. One of the first letters to be discovered, all the way back in 861 AD, A has endured over the years because it’s just that good. Use A in a romantic novel, a quarterly report, or a threatening note, and your page will come alive. No pretender can hold a claim to the throne that A sits atop. It is quite simply a god among men.
Your world is now transformed. Go in peace.
